


a different side of me

by dizzy



Series: we're all fucking fine 2020 advent fics [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Family Issues, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, and a whole lot of dan and phil in love, one veiled reference to past suicide attempt, undiagnosed depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27822343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Dan's early 2010 struggle with his home life, his future, and how Phil fits into everything.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: we're all fucking fine 2020 advent fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035990
Comments: 26
Kudos: 150





	a different side of me

**Author's Note:**

> A companion fic to [the second tetris block](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552069).

The entire room is spinning. The light cast from the lamps is dancing across the ceiling and Dan doesn't know if it's actually real or if it's just the alcohol making his eyes lie to him, but it's fascinating to watch. 

He slaps his hand against Phil and says, "The lights!" 

Phil's head jerks up. It's sluggish, like the words take longer than they should to make it into his mind. "Oh," he says, sounding pleasantly surprised. 

Good, Dan thinks. It's actually the lights. 

He lets his head loll toward Phil. Phil's fringe is all messed up and his smile is lazy, like he doesn't even know that it's there on his face. His bottom lip looks soft and inviting and Dan finds himself leaning in for a kiss before he jerks himself upright again. There are warning sirens going off in his head - too many people, they could see, they could-

What would they do? 

He looks around. Half the guys here are probably bent themselves or at least wouldn't mind a snog with a guy if the opportunity presented itself. Dan doesn't really know what category that is, though he reckons it's a big one. 

"Dan?" Phil asks. It sounds a thousand miles away. 

"Yeah," Dan says, trying to shake the clouds from his mind. He tightens the grip his fingers have on the bottle of Malibu he's been drinking and then raises it to his lips. It doesn't taste sharp at all anymore, doesn't taste like anything but cloying sweet. 

The rest of the bottle goes down easily. 

*

He wakes up in his own bed, hungover as hell with Phil's breath blowing sourly in his face. 

The bed is really too small for the both of them, but Dan doesn't hate it. He tucks his head down a bit to avoid the rank breath but besides that, it's nice. He likes the feeling of Phil's sweaty skin pressed against his. He likes the closeness. 

It's weird how sometimes it feels too small for just the one of him, but when he's sharing the space he doesn't mind if everything else in the room shrinks down to just the two of them. 

*

His hangover fades with a few glasses of water, a nice breakfast, and some paracetamol. 

Phil's lingers on a bit more. “It’s not fair,” he whines. “You have to take care of me. You’re younger.”

“So it’s my fault now that you’re an old man?” 

Phil whines. 

“Your mum really spoiled you, didn’t she?” Dan asks. 

Phil pokes his bottom lip out and looks at Dan from underneath his lashes. 

“Oh, fuck me,” Dan sighs. 

It's mostly the headache for Phil, and a bit of a sour stomach. Dan does his dutiful boyfriend act and brings Phil water and toast and tablets of his own. 

It’s cold outside and the house is empty. Dan puts on a movie and gets a blanket for them. Phil still feels off but Dan minds less and less, especially when Phil tucks himself under Dan's arm. 

He says that snuggles are necessary for healing, and Dan is inclined to agree. 

Phil does cute shit like that sometimes. Dan doesn't mind. He likes it. A lot, actually. More than he's ever liked anyone's cute shit before. 

He doesn't even care when Phil ends up falling asleep on his lap and drools a little wet patch onto the leg of his jeans. He just sits there and watches with an almost stalker-ish intensity, staring at the way Phil's hair falls over his forehead and wondering at this being a part of his life. 

*

Goodbye always feels bad, but somehow this feels worse. 

Dan goes with Phil to the train station in Reading. They have cheap, watery coffee together because Phil's compulsively early to things like this and they talk about the weekend and kick their feet lazily together and make plans for a future that Dan still finds it hard to believe in. 

But Phil believes in it. Dan knows that, because there's no sense of doubt at all the brightness of Phil's words or the look in his eyes. 

Dan doesn't know what it feels like to be that consistently sure about anything. He does know he's absolutely fucking gone for Phil, but even that feels tangled up inside of his head sometimes. It mixes with the guilt and the fear and the words his dad shouts when anyone a little too flamboyant shows up on the telly and the feeling of a coat peg slamming into the back of his skull. 

He wishes he knew how to be like Phil is. How to acknowledge that sometimes bad things happen but that good things happen, too. It's not as though Phil's had a perfect life. 

But sometimes that bitter voice in the back of Dan's head hates that Phil's had it better than him, even if that's still not perfect, and that's just another string adding to the mess he can't figure out how to keep from knotting together.

*

"Is your friend gone, then?" Dan's mum asks. 

He's on the sofa downstairs, but only because being upstairs in his bed alone after sharing it with Phil makes him want to cry. 

Maybe he's melodramatic. So fucking what. His boyfriend has left, he's allowed to be. 

"Yeah," Dan says. "Left this morning." 

"Pity." She frowns. "I was looking forward to meeting him." 

"Really?" Dan asks. 

It's not like she'd made any effort to find out when they'd even be home. 

"Of course." She looks surprised that he'd ask. "I want to know who it is you're going to visit all the time." 

"Thought you and Dad both wrote him off as an internet weirdo." 

Her surprise shifts into a frown. "Daniel." 

"What?" He shrugs, then crosses his arms over his chest. 

They'd all had an awful fight before Christmas when Dan wanted to go stay for a few days. In the end he'd gone but he and his father hadn't actually talked until Boxing Day. 

He hadn't told Phil that. Phil already feels guilty when Dan's parents give him shit over visiting Manchester so much. He's not actually sure what he'd do if his parents were telling him not to go and Phil actually agreed. It's alright, anyway. He's gotten really good over the years at only telling certain people certain truths. 

*

"I hate this," Dan says. 

The wind in London is sharp today. He's huddled into his jacket, talking into his phone as he makes his way from the tube stop to the imposing building he'll be spending so many of his coming days at. 

"I know." Phil's voice is sympathetic but sleepy, too. He said he didn't mind Dan ringing on his way in, but the hour is ridiculously early and Dan still feels guilty. 

Just not guilty enough to let Phil hang up and go back to sleep. 

"It's going to be so fucking awkward." 

"No it's not-" Phil stops to yawn. "You're going to be brilliant. Best law student work experience-y person ever." 

"Please," Dan says. "I'm going to be making coffee. I'm going to be their coffee bitch." 

"Best coffee bitch ever." 

Dan snorts, but Phil's words do pry a little smile from within the scowl on his face. "Thanks. Maybe I'll make that into a video. How to be a Coffee Bitch." 

"It'll be the best video." 

Dan stops walking and steps to the side so the flow of traffic doesn't crush or shout curses at him. He watches smartly dressed men and women walk into the place he's going to go, the one he's been dreading ever since his mum told him she made that call. 

"Dan?" Phil asks. 

"I'm here," Dan says. "I have to go." 

"Dan." Phil's voice is soft. "It's gonna be okay. I'm serious, you're going to be brilliant." 

"Am I going to be ace?" Dan teases gently, trying to mask the way the fear makes his voice waver. 

"The most ace," Phil promises. "Ring me when you get a break." 

"Okay," Dan says. 

He hangs up the phone and lets the power of Phil's faith in him keep him moving in the right direction. 

*

He’s not a coffee bitch, exactly, but he’s definitely a filing bitch. 

He walks to the tube at the end of his first day with a sense of bone-deep relief that the day is over, an already growing dread for the day to come, and a lot of papercuts. 

*

Manchester feels like entering a different world. The only thing he hates is that he only has a weekend - barely even that, he took a train straight from London after he finished work on Friday later and has to leave Sunday to start the whole fucking cycle all over again on Monday morning. 

This fucking work experience is really ruining his social life. It would have been easier just to stay home, catch up on the sleep he loses having to wake up before the sun has barely even risen. 

But seeing Phil feels like a need just the same as sleep. So he’ll ignore how tired he is. He'll ignore the fact that some of his Wokingham mates have been asking him to go for drinks a few times a week since Christmas, just like he ignores the texts themselves. Getting wasted in the woods and listening to his friends talk about how far they got with the last girl that deigned to give them time and attention - that's not the social life he wants right now. 

He wants the warmth and safety of Phil's bed. He wants a big hug from Kath and a smile and nod from Nigel. He wants to wake up to Phil's squinting at the sunlight and his wandering hands underneath the duvet.

They don't even have plans for the weekend. Phil mentioned maybe seeing Avatar at the cinema, if they want to get away just the two of them, but Dan would be just as well if they didn't leave bed at all. 

*

Kathryn Lester is probably one of the nicest people that Dan's ever met. 

He's never been shy, really. But he feels shy around her. He feels strange and almost vulnerable about how much he likes the way she folds him into conversations like he's always belonged and the way she asks his favourite foods and already remembers that he doesn't like white chocolate. 

He loves his mum, but he can't help but think about all the things she doesn't do for him when he sees what Phil's home life is like. His mum has always worked, often long hours when she was trying to get her business off the ground. He's used to her not being around. 

He's proud of his mum for what she's done. It's not like he thinks women belong at home or anything. He doesn't think much about it one way or the other, really, but it's not about that. It's not about time - it's about what Kath does with the time she has. 

It's about what his own mum doesn't do. Would she be able to name his favourite foods? Does she want to sit and sincerely hear stories about what work experience is like, or does she only care that he's not embarrassing himself, and by extension, her? 

A cold ball of resentment and frustration settles in his chest when he thinks about it too much, so he tries not to and instead just enjoys the time he has here before he goes back home. 

*

His mum's friend that got him the job is a tall man with a well-groomed beard. He speaks in a barreling low timbre of voice and his handshake is too firm and he smells like expensive cologne and he's basically everything Dan, with all his eighteen year old gangly limbs and Lynx body spray and emo hair, isn't. 

But he's still nice. He's friendly and encouraging and checks in on Dan regularly to see how he's doing. He'll start talking about his university and courses and work he's done without Dan having to even ask. When Dan expresses hesitation about being an actual full on lawyer he invites Dan to tag along to a lunch meeting he's having with a man who works for a legal publishing house. 

Dan actually does enjoy it. He likes being talked to like he's an adult, and working in writing or publishing sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than having people shout at him in a courtroom all day. He still finds it intimidating as hell and he doesn't really know if that's the path he'll end up going down, but he feels a little less bleak about the future afterwards. He's even excited when he tells Phil about it that night.

Then as he lies in bed staring at the ceiling it dawns on him that this man he's only known for a few weeks is taking more of an interest in what Dan actually wants to do than Dan's own father has. 

Dan's sure that's somehow his own fault. His dad is already cross at him for complaining too much about having to wake up so early every day and telling him he needs to take his future seriously. He knows he gave better responses to a lunch meeting with two strangers, even as out of depth as he was, than he does to his father across the dinner table. 

His father is the one who’s known him his whole life. Does it really mean anything if he can pretend to be charismatic and smart enough for an hour over posh salads? He's scared as shit about the future, about what university he'll get into and if he'll even make it through one semester and if he'll have friends and if Phil will wake up one day and realize he can do so much better than Dan and if suddenly everyone subscribing to his youtube channel will realize they were under mass delusion thinking his videos were funny, or even worse they just subscribed because they felt sorry for him-

He turns over in bed and buries his face in the pillow, willing the thoughts away. He'd text Phil if he didn't know Phil was already asleep. 

He can't just stay in bed, though. His thoughts are driving him insane. It doesn't matter that he has to be awake again in six hours. 

He sits up and opens his laptop. _What's happening?_ What is happening? His fingers fly on the keys, thoughts and feelings spilling out in a hectic rush of things he'll regret sharing with the internet in the morning. 

*

The rest of January passes in a blur of anxiety and early morning trains to London and phone calls with Phil and stress over the psychology exam that he somehow, despite all odds, thinks he might manage to do halfway alright on if he actually finishes his notes and worrying about uni. 

*

Freedom. 

He's finished with his last day at the law firm. No more making coffee. No more paper cuts. No more spending hours amusing himself by secretly looking at top secret law files and reading the details of court cases he definitely shouldn't be seeing. No more having people walking in on him talking to himself and definitely thinking he’s a freak. 

He wants to ring Phil but he knows Phil's at the cinema with Ian. He hates how that still sort of bothers him. Ian's a nice enough guy but Dan's grown accustomed to Phil just... being there. Always answering his calls. Always available for a chat. 

Part of Dan really just wants to get on a train. He'd be in Manchester by the time Phil and Ian were done. Maybe he could get Phil to meet him in the city. They could spend an afternoon in Starbucks and maybe just walk around a while. 

But Phil isn't expecting him and Dan isn't confident enough yet to show up unannounced. So he does his walking, not on the comforting streets of Manchester but in London. He spends too much money on a sandwich and some crisps and then gets a caramel macchiato in Starbucks. He texts Phil a picture but Phil doesn't respond so the movie probably isn't over yet. 

The coffee is good. He walks the streets as he drinks it, not even caring if he gets lost. He even buys a pair of gloves in one shop, because he lost his other pair on one of his many train journeys and he's needed some new ones. 

He's thinking about walking toward the tube to get the train back to Reading when he spots a bookstore. He doesn't read a lot - that's more Phil's thing. But the name catches his eye and makes his stomach burn hot. 

It's a gay bookstore. He tosses his coffee cup in a bin and decides to walk in. 

He's not sure what he's expecting. No one's walking around in leather studs and collars. There aren't rainbow banners hanging off of every wall. It's just... a bookstore. The shelves are slightly too crowded and there are stacks of books on tables threatening to topple over. It smells musty and a bit old. It's a bookstore. 

But he still feels like he's getting away with something as he walks around it. His heart hammers in his chest and he stops in front of a section that's definitely erotica. He reaches out to touch a spine and hears the door open again, another patron entering, and jumps back. 

Part of him wants to keep looking until he finds something for Phil, but he imagines giving Phil a gay book and - what if Phil laughed? What if he didn't understand why? What if he thought it was weird that Dan was even in a store like this? 

For all the words they've shared, they haven't really talked about that part a lot. Phil's gay, and Phil knows he's gay. He's always known he was gay. 

Dan can't understand that. He told himself for a while that no one really knows who they are, that he's not that much of a freak. But his straight friends... they know. And Phil - Phil knows, too. 

So it is Dan that's just a freak. A freak who maybe isn't gay enough to be in a gay bookstore, but is definitely gay enough to have a boyfriend he does really gay things with. 

He feels his chest growing tight and he has the strange urge to cry, so he does what he always does when he's feeling like this: he runs away from it. 

*

Dan stares at the email in front of him. 

His heart is absolutely pounding and his guts are doing flips inside his stomach. 

Unconditional. 

"What is it?" his mum asks. Her voice is urgent but gentle, like she's prepared to offer him comfort, like she expects him to fail. 

Unconditional. 

He tries to say it but his mouth won't make the words. 

His mind is a blur of thoughts and feelings. Manchester - Phil - university - _Phil_. Is it wrong that he's mostly thinking of his boyfriend? Is it wrong that being near Phil seems terrifying, that his head and his heart are both telling him that Phil probably won't even want him there at the very same time he wants to do cartwheels out of happiness?

"Daniel?" 

"Manchester offered me unconditional," he says, looking up at her, blinking. It's like by trying to process too many things he can't process anything at all. 

But she's looking at him with such unabashed delight and surprise. "Unconditional!" She gets up out of her chair and wraps her arms around him in a hug from the side, awkward based on positioning but not in the way she crushes him to her. 

He laughs and turns and hugs her back, breathing in the scent of her perfume and shampoo. Warmth leaks into his frazzled mind, softening the crush of conflicted emotions. 

"I knew you could do it," she whispers, then pushes his hair back from his face to plant a kiss on his temple. 

He doesn't know if that's true or not. He certainly didn't think he could do it, so he's not at all convinced that she did. But it's nice to hear anyway. 

"Thanks," he manages. 

She lets him go, still beaming down at him. "Your dad's going to be so proud." 

*

He texts Phil to say that he has news. He doesn't do it as soon as he knows, but not too long afterwards. 

Phil doesn't answer right away. It's rare that he's slow to respond and Dan doesn't actually know why, which means he sits on his bed staring down at his phone with a growing knot of worry gnawing at his insides. 

He tries not to. He puts his phone to the side and tries to listen to music. He goes downstairs and plays a few rounds of DDR. He sits with the dog and scratches her behind the ears, trying to ignore the tug of sadness at how long it takes her to lift her head up and rest it on his leg. 

"Yeah, girl," he says. 

He's contemplating just going to take a shower when he gets a text. 

It's Phil - apologizing first, almost frantically. Dan can't even reply before his phone is ringing. 

"I'm so sorry - I was asleep, I've had the worst headache all day long, I didn't even hear my phone going off. News?? Is it university-" 

"Yeah," Dan says, cutting him off. He wants to ask about Phil and his headache and know how he is, but first he needs to say this before it destroys him from the inside out. "I got into Manchester. Unconditional." 

Phil doesn't make him wait for a response for long. He doesn't even take time to think, he just starts to talk and the pure happiness in his voice makes Dan want to break down and cry. "Dan! You did it! Oh my god, you did it - you're going to be in Manchester! You're going to be so close to me!"

Maybe he really is going to cry. He can't even tell if it's a happy feeling. Everything happening in his head and his heart feel upside down right now. It just feels like intensity, like being overwhelmed. 

"Dan?" Phil asks. "It's good, right? That you'll be close to me? Or - did you get other offers. Is there another... I shouldn't assume-" 

The sudden tremor of self-doubt in Phil's voice spurs Dan into action. "There's nothing better than this," Dan says. "It's what I wanted. Want. I want it. I'm going to be close to you." 

"Just like we planned! I'll get a flat in the city and I'll be even closer and we can see each other all the time! No more trains, Dan." 

Yeah, there are the tears. He hates how his traitorious fucking body can’t ever just keep his emotions on the inside. They all come tumbling out no matter what he wants or tries to do. 

He thinks he manages to keep it out of his voice at least when he says, "No more trains." 

*

His mum is actually right. Dan's dad is proud. 

He claps Dan on the shoulder awkwardly at first, then gives him a hug. Dan's heart is pounding in that moment too, and he isn't even sure why. 

Maybe he expected his dad to be disappointed somehow - to point out other universities Dan didn't get into? To immediately start to tell Dan how much work he'd have to do, in that voice he always uses that makes it obvious he doesn't think Dan actually will. 

But there's none of that. Just his dad with a wide smile, still patting him on the shoulder like Dan's finally done something to earn his approval. 

*

“Maybe I can just tell my parents I’m poorly and can’t possibly get on a plane right now and come spend two weeks with you,” Dan says.

It’s into the early hours of the morning but he has packing left to do and he wants to edit some more video footage and… and Phil. He just wants to talk to Phil as much as he can before he’s on a plane to India tomorrow. 

“Didn’t your parents make you get on a plane when you were sicking up everywhere from heat stroke?” Phil asks. Dan’s already regaled him with that story. Phil thinks it would make a good video but Dan’s not sure he’s ready to tell the whole of the internet about passing out in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles in front of his mum.

“... ugh, true. Fuck my life.” 

“It won’t be so bad,” Phil says. “India sounds well cool to visit. I’ve never been.” 

“Wish you could just come with me then. I’d rather be sharing a hotel room with you than my idiot little brother.” 

“It’s only two weeks,” Phil reminds him. 

“Yeah, but… _this_ two weeks.” Dan’s voice falls lamely at the end. 

They’ve both talked around it a little bit, the fact that this would be their first Valentine’s Day together. Dan’s had a girlfriend over the holiday before but he knows he always half-assed it. A box of chocolates and a night at the cinema followed by awkward making out in her car with him always fumbling excuses of needing to be home before things could go where she really wanted them to go. 

But thinking of that makes him feel sad and embarrassed. He knows if he and Phil were together on the day, he could do it right. He fucking fantasizes about buying Phil presents and waking him up with pancakes and… it’s sad, alright? It’s soppy and sad and he wants it so much he can feel it in his teeth. 

“We’ll do something when you get back,” Phil says. “You’re coming to visit me soon after anyway. And it’ll be even better because all the actual Valentine’s Day stuff will be on offer! Basically we should celebrate every holiday a week late.” 

Dan laughs and rubs his tired eyes. “Yeah, maybe so.” 

*

He always hopes he can manage a seat by himself on planes. He hates sitting by Adrian, who always just wants to talk to Dan, an endless prattle of things Dan doesn't give an actual shit about. He hates sitting by his dad even more. His mum is passable, at least, because she usually just puts on her reading glasses and takes out a novel and he can listen to his music for the whole of the flight without it being too much of a bother. 

But of course Adrian claims their mum and Dan ends up two rows back, tucked into a window seat with his father in the middle beside him. 

His father doesn't read on planes. He does watch movies sometimes, but it's a nine hour flight and they haven't even hit the portion where the seatbelt sign turns off. 

"Well," his father says, clearing his throat. "Manchester." 

"Manchester," Dan repeats, drumming his fingers on his leg. He's wearing joggers, because it's not like he gives a fuck who sees him, and he plans on sleeping most of this flight anyway. 

"It'll be good to go somewhere you've already got mates, I imagine," he says. 

Dan's blood runs cold. It shouldn’t. His dad hasn't even met Phil. But maybe that’s the problem. The only times he's even really acknowledged there's a person Dan keeps traveling to see is when they're having a fight about it. "Yeah," Dan says. 

He doesn't offer more. He feels like any words he puts between them can be snatched out of the air, used as a weapon against him somehow. 

"What's this boy do, then?" 

Oh god. They're doing this. 

"He finished uni last fall," Dan says. 

"No job?" 

"He makes videos." Dan chews a piece of chapped skin off his lip. "On the internet." 

His father cuts his eyes toward Dan. 

"Youtube," Dan clarifies. "Funny videos." 

His father makes a dismissive sound. "Is that where you got the idea from?" 

Dan has that feeling of being doused in ice water for a second time. He didn't even know that his dad knew about those. "No," Dan says. "I've wanted to for ages. He just encouraged me." 

Above them, the seatbelt sign flickers and goes off. They stay quiet for the announcement. The window seat Dan claimed before, wanting the view, suddenly feels claustrophobic. 

"It's entertainment," Dan says. "You know, like that whole industry you worked in. My videos are popular, too. So are Phil's. He's like, properly famous for doing it." 

His voice is bordering on the kind of attitude that makes his father glare at him. He can't help but be defensive, though. He's sure he's in for a lecture on how videos on the internet can't possibly compare with working in actual film. How no one on the internet could possibly be _famous_. 

But that's not what his father says. 

"Right, and look how far that got me." For the briefest of moments, his father just looks more tired than irritated. "Sometimes it's not enough to find something you like to do, even if you're willing to put work into it. You need a stable career. You'll have a family one day and when there are children to think of you can't just get on a plane to where the work is. You've got to make the choices that are best for everyone. Your wife will have a say in that." 

Dan isn't really sure why but he doesn't at all want to be hearing this. He'd rather be sitting by Adrian, ignoring Adrian's begging pleas for Dan to play a game with him. 

"I can do what I love to do from anywhere," Dan says. "I'm not you. And hopefully whoever I marry will understand not wanting to be miserable in your job." 

His father grunts, clearly not agreeing. "She may not have a say in it, either. Sometimes life has different plans for you." 

It hits Dan suddenly, what his father is talking about. "Right," he says, bitterness seeping into every sound. "Sorry I fucked all of those plans up for you." 

His dad gives him a look like he might actually feel sorry for being so honest, but then he sighs and his mouth flattens into a line and he says, "Language." 

Dan shoves headphones into his ears and faces the window. 

*

He sleeps for twelve straight hours once they're at the hotel. A few times he almost wakes up, hearing Adrian moving about or his mum checking in on him, but his body feels sore and achy from being shoved into a plane seat for so long and he hadn't slept well for days beforehand. His body always does this, hits a limit and just - crashes. 

Maybe it also has something to do with the foggy feeling wrapped around his head and his heart after that one conversation on the plane. He'd swapped seats with Adrian the first time his dad got up to go to the toilets and they hadn't exchanged a single word between them in the airport or the car journey to the house. 

Sometimes sleeping is just easier than thinking. Than feeling. Than existing. 

Sometimes he thinks about other things that would be easier, too, but he shoves those far away. He's already been down that road once and it was dark and scary and he doesn't want to go there again. 

Things are better now, anyway. They're better now and in six months he'll be in Manchester and he thinks maybe he'll start to feel like he's living then. 

*

Internet service where they're staying is shit, but at least it has internet. 

The first thing he does when he comes out of his jet lag/repressed emotional breakdown coma is make Phil skype with him. It's a two-pixel sort of call, mostly just audio with a picture that sticks horribly, but hearing his voice is so good that it makes Dan want to lock the door and tell his parents this is exactly where he'll be for the whole two weeks they're here. 

He's sure he won't get away with that. But he does tell them he has some things to upload that are important - and if they think it might have to do with university, that's their own assumption. He doesn't need to correct them and say what he really has to do is upload a Youtube video and also talk to his boyfriend that he misses terribly already. 

"It's weird how even though you're usually far away it feels like you're really far right now," Phil says. 

He seems a little sad. Dan can't blame him. He feels a little sad, too. "Yeah," Dan says. "It's worse because I have to turn my computer off when Adrian comes to bed or he'll tell mum and dad I stayed on it all night. Little brothers are so annoying." 

"Hey," Phil says, laughing. "I take offense to that." 

"I mean, you're annoying too," Dan says. "But you're also fit as hell so that makes up for it." 

"Thanks, though I think my own brother would probably not say that." 

"Okay, ew, no." Dan scrunches his face up. 

"Oh no-" Phil starts to laugh. "It's stuck again." 

Dan looks at the little corner of the screen showing his face and it has frozen on him making the most awful expression. "Ughhh. I hate this internet!" 

"We were afraid you wouldn't even have any," Phil reminds him. "And then I'd have had to sell my spleen to fly to India. Would they even let me fly fresh out of spleen removal surgery?" 

"Maybe," Dan says. "Just lie and tell them it's a papercut." 

He loves Phil's stupid little giggle. The screen froze on Phil's end again so he can't see to verify it, but he has a feeling Phil is probably doing that thing where he bites on his tongue while he laughs with his eyes closed. 

Dan's heart is swimming in warm feelings. He wants to capture this and carry it with him everywhere. 

But the door to his room opens then and it's Adrian, bleary-eyed and clutching a pillow. Their mum is behind him, hand on Adrian's back. 

"Lights out," she says. "You're welcome to come sit with us for a while, but your brother needs to sleep." 

"I didn't sleep all day like you," Adrian says.

"Fine," Dan says. "Just give me five minutes to say goodnight?" 

He means in private, but Adrian crosses the room and gets into the other bed. Dan sighs and looks at the computer. He feels strange and frantic and like the whole world will end in the time between saying goodbye and the next time they say hello. This need, the want to always be connected to Phil, feels like it's eating him alive and sometimes he doesn't even know if it's actually a good feeling or not. 

No, that's not true. The feeling itself is good. It's just the intensity that feels like something he's unprepared for sometimes. 

On screen the image unfreezes and he can see Phil with a sad expression, making a heart with his hands. Dan smiles sadly back and then closes out of Skype. 

He doesn't go sit with his parents. He's not really sleepy, so he could. But he just wants to be alone with this too-much feeling inside of his chest, so he turns and stares at the wall until sleep finally creeps up over him. 

*

The pool is the best part about the hotel. 

His parents have gone to the store with Adrian as their tow-along. Normally he'd be doing what he's managed to do at least twice every day already, skyping with Phil - but it's too early for Phil to be awake in England and he’s already filmed some stuff for his channel. He feels too restless to sit and edit it straight away. 

Mostly because he can see the pool from where he’s sitting, and it’s calling to him. He goes back inside and changes quickly, grabbing a towel. He’s glad to find that there’s still no one around when he walks back out to it. He looks around, but even the gardner is gone by now. 

He decides to take advantage of the solitude and give in to whimsy. He starts from a few feet back and runs, jumping in feet first to make a messy splash. He’s laughing and breathless when he surfaces. 

He hasn't been swimming in ages, though he does love it. It's always a holiday thing; accommodations chosen with a mind toward what sort of pools 'the boys' would like best. He wonders if they’ll still do that next year when he’s not even living at home. 

After he expends most of his energy doing a few more cannonballs, he starts to swim in lazy laps. He can hear the sound of birds in the palm trees and the sloshing of the water as his body pushes through it and it’s all just very peaceful and calming. 

The only thing that might make this better is if Phil were actually with him. Swimming is on the long list of things they've not had a chance to do together yet and he imagines Phil in a swim costume without a shirt on and his body flushes too-warm at the mental image. He dunks his head under the water again to try and chase the feeling away. The last thing he needs is to be stuck in the pool because he has a stiffy that won’t go down. 

Maybe Phil would go on a holiday with him. Dan's got some ASDA money saved up still. He usually spends it on clothes or video games but he could probably scrounge up enough for a plane ticket somewhere not too far away. Maybe in the spring... somewhere with a beach. Somewhere enough removed from England that maybe they can hold hands without feeling weird about it. 

Dan doesn't really know where that would be, but surely somewhere in the world has to be a place where he can stop worrying about who people think he is and just be himself, right? 

Whoever that actually is. 

*

“You should keep your options open, you know,” Dan’s dad says. 

They’re out to breakfast. He can’t resist the food even when his body had really wanted to just stay in bed and sleep more. Plus, it gets his parents off of his back if he voluntarily spends time with them once in a while. He doesn’t hate the idea of being here, he just wishes he could be somewhere else, too. Why hasn’t cloning been invented yet? 

“What options?” Dan says, realizing that his father is speaking to him. 

“University.” 

Dan frowns. “But Manchester gave me-” 

“An unconditional offer, yes,” his dad says. “But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t interview for a place at other schools.” 

Dan’s stomach starts to churn uneasily. “Why?” 

“There might be better programs for you.” 

“Manchester has a great law program.” 

“So do other schools.” His father levels a look at him. 

“Mum-” Dan looks to her. “You were both happy for me. What changed?” 

She looks up from her food, looking considerate but also like she knows he won’t love what she says to him.. “We are happy for you. We’re proud of you. But your father’s right. You shouldn’t make up your mind about one school just because you happened to have a friend there.”

“So you’d rather me go somewhere I don’t know anyone?” 

“We’re rather you value your education over a mate you only met a few months ago.” 

“It’s been over half a year, dad. And he’s my best friend.” Best friend and more - so much more. 

“Would you be saying this if I had a girlfriend and wanted to go to uni with her?” Dan asks. His brain immediately flashes panic symbols in his mind because he doesn’t actually want them equating Phil with a girlfriend but the words are already spoken aloud before he realizes the badness of the idea. 

“Yes,” his mum says, voice firm. “We can’t support you financially forever. It’s important for you to have a good foundation.” 

Dan thinks of the plane conversation. He shoves some roti into his mouth. “Uni isn’t the only thing that gives you a foundation in life, is it?” 

“For you,” his dad says, still giving Dan that look Dan hates, “it’s the best option.” 

“What does that mean?” Dan demands. 

“You need to learn discipline. You couldn’t even keep a job at ASDA-” 

“Because I hated it!” Dan says. He doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he sees someone at a nearby table looking over at them. 

“And what if you don’t think university is fun either, then?” his dad asks. “Will you quit it as well?” 

“No.” Dan puts the bread back on the plate. He really should have stayed in bed. “I think being somewhere that I have a- a best friend- that’ll make me hate things less.” 

“Look,” his mum says, reaching out and resting her hand on his. “It’s your decision. We won’t make it for you. But humour your old mum and dad, won’t you? At least schedule a few other interviews. Go to open days. You may find somewhere you like more, if you just leave yourself open to it.” 

“Fine,” he says. He already knows where he wants to be, but he’s tired of fighting and he knows he doesn’t have anywhere to run to right now. 

*

He relays the conversation to Phil that evening. Everyone else is out on some sort of tourist something or other he had no interest in doing, especially not after his interrogation over breakfast. 

“I’m going to Manchester,” he says. They’re on a Skype call but the video quality was so shit that they’re not even trying, cameras turned off. “That’s like… not up for debate. Maybe I can just tell them I’m going to other interviews and come see you instead.” 

“I always want to see you.” Phil’s words are a nice balm to Dan’s bruised sense of self-worth. “But it’s alright if you do want to interview at other places.” 

“Oh.” Dan tries not to sound miserable. 

He fails. 

“What?” Phil asks. 

“So you’d be okay if I didn’t go to Manchester?” 

“Well… I guess it depends on where you did go,” Phil says. “I loved York. And I know you were thinking of Southampton before. I’ve never even been there, but I could probably like it.” 

“For visits?” 

“Or… you know.” Phil’s voice suddenly turns hesitant. “I mean. I just want to be where you are, Dan.” 

Dan doesn’t know if he can believe what he thinks Phil is saying. 

Phil keeps talking. “And it’s not like I have a job already - I can make youtube videos from anywhere, and then I can start applying wherever you end up.” 

“But you love Manchester.” 

“I love you more.” 

The words catch Dan so off guard that he starts to cry without even realizing it. He rolls over and presses his face into the pillow under his head. He’s glad Phil can’t see him. 

“Dan?” Phil asks. 

Dan turns back to the computer. “Sorry,” he says. “I love you, too. You should tell me where you’d actually want to live, though. That way I interview with places that I know we’d both be happy at.” 

They spend another hour talking, and in the end they decide that Manchester really is the plan but York is a good shout for the both of them. Phil is excited to give Dan a proper tour of his own university stomping grounds and Dan likes the idea of knowing a little more of Phil’s history firsthand, hearing stories and learning more of what built him into this person that Dan’s so head over heels for today. 

When the rest of his family gets home, he tells them about his decision to interview at York, and he knows they feel like it’s a win for them and Dan feels like he’s getting away with something. 

*

He wakes up the morning of February 14th to a text message from Phil telling him to check his email for an extra special link. 

*

"You're in a good mood," Dan's mum says, smiling over at him. 

She's wearing a floppy hat to keep her skin from burning. Dan should have worn something. He can feel how the sun is warming his skin in a way that'll border on discomfort by the end of the day. 

The market they're walking through is bustling with shops and stalls and friendly faces. He's eating gulab jamun messily and enjoying every bite, but he pauses to shrug at her. "It's a good day." 

Because of Phil. Because of that video. Because of the chat they'd had earlier while Adrian was in the shower. It had been brief, but enough to leave Dan floating for the whole rest of the day. 

"It's nice to see you smile," she says. He doesn't even flinch away when she reaches out and up to smooth his hair down. He's taller than her by a lot of inches now but it still feels weird that she has to reach up. "If you see a souvenir you'd like, let me know? We've already gotten Adrian something, you deserve a memento as well."

"Okay," he says, surprised. Usually they tell him that he's old enough to be spending his own money on trinkets. "Thanks." 

He doesn’t see anything he wants, but he still walks with her. 

“Mum,” he says. “When I was little, did you have dreams for me?” 

“Sure,” she says. He can tell she’s surprised by the question. 

“What were they?” 

“That you grow up safe and strong and happy.” She smiles at him. “Like any mum wants for their baby boy.” 

He rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “I meant like, what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” 

“No,” she says. “Nothing so specific as that.” 

“Dad wants me to be a lawyer.” 

“Law was your idea,” she reminds him. “He’s just glad you have some direction.” 

He doesn’t say that he only picked law because it sounded impressive. “Do you think he’ll be disappointed if I’m never the world’s best super mega rich lawyer?” 

She laughs at that. “No, of course not. We both love you, bear. We both want what’s best for you. Sometimes your dad just isn’t sure how to express that.” 

“Really?” Dan asks. “Because I think Dad just wants me to be successful so I don’t fuck up his life any more than I already have.” 

Her eyes cut toward him. “Dan!” 

“Sorry,” he says. “It’s just hard sometimes.” 

“I know.” She puts down the handbag she was looking at. “Sometimes he’s a difficult man to deal with. But sometimes you are, too. He’s been worried that you wouldn’t make it to uni since you said you wanted a gap year.” 

“I did work experience,” Dan mumbles. 

She turns to look at him. “I know you did, and I’m proud of you for that. I won’t make apologies for your father. You know I like to let you two sort out your own messes. But I do want you to know that I see how hard you’ve worked and I’m proud of you for getting into university. You’re going to do amazing things, love.” 

When she pulls him into a hug, he hugs back, though he still isn’t sure her answers made him feel any better. It’s easy to believe that she’ll love him if he does do amazing things. 

But what if he doesn’t? What if he can’t? What if deep down he’s everything his father is afraid he’ll be? 

*

Dan likes the pool and he likes the food but, but even accounting for those two things there's nothing nearly as compelling in India as what waits for him back at home. 

Maybe that's why he's happier on the last day of the holiday than he has been almost any other day. He's the first one with his luggage packed and sits in the lounge playing Temple Run on his phone while his parents walk in circles around him, double checking to make sure they aren't leaving anything behind. Adrian can’t find his iPod and it’s nearly an epic disaster but Dan can’t be bothered. It’s not like his brother has any actual good music on there anyway. 

"If we're late to the airport this time you can't blame me," Dan says. 

His mum drops a shirt on his face. "I'll find a way." 

*

The good mood holds, somehow. 

It holds through a nine hour flight sat next to Adrian most of the time, through turbulence that briefly has him praying to a god he doesn't believe in, through the headache he gets squinting at his cracked phone screen. 

Maybe he'll get it fixed in Manchester. He and Phil can drop it off at the Apple store and take some more pictures, or just wander around the city until it's done. 

That's the thought he's having as people start to restlessly stand. Dan helps a few people around him by getting their luggage for them and then tugs his own backpack over one shoulder. 

Things don't start to go sour until they're waiting at baggage claim. Dan's father is already shouting at Adrian for having a temper tantrum over wanting an ice cream while they wait, and his mum has a headache over scheduling mishaps with work that happened while she was out of touch on the flight. She's saying something about how she can't possibly have that many clients tomorrow and how Adrian can't be home alone for that long. 

"Dan will watch him," his dad snaps. "He's got nothing better to do." 

Dan jerks his head around to look at his parents, one earbud in still playing Muse. "No I can't," he immediately says. "I won't be here." 

"Yes you will." His father's voice is firm, allowing no room for argument. 

But Dan's never been good at taking cues like that. "I'll be in Manchester." 

"Oh, fucking Manchester again-" His dad says, voice hard and cold

Dan watches as his mum frowns, then puts her hand on her husband's arm and says his name. 

"No, Karen," Dan's dad says. "We're not doing this again. He can't swan off from every responsibility." 

"Your child is not my responsibility," Dan says. 

"I'm not a child!" Adrian breaks in. "I'm twelve, I don't need a babysitter!" 

"I'm going to Manchester," Dan says again. 

"You'd better bloody plan on staying, then," his father says. 

"Maybe I will," Dan shoots back. 

"Why wait?" his dad asks. They're proper fighting now. His mum looks mortified. Adrian just looks like he's going to cry or maybe join in. 

As if propelled by fate, Dan spots his bag on the carousel and snatches it up. "Fine," he says. "I won't wait." 

His mum shouts after him, but he doesn't stop walking. 

*

His hand is shaking as he rings Phil. It's adrenaline from the fight with his dad, mixed with a bit of apprehension that Phil will tell him he can't come a day early. 

"Are you home already?" Phil asks, sounding shocked and delighted to hear from Dan in a way that would make Dan very, very happy if he weren't on the verge of needing to breathe into a paper bag. 

"I think my dad just kicked me out," Dan says. 

"What?" 

"I'm at the airport still and... we just had a fucking biblical fight and he told me if I was going to Manchester not to come back home and then he told me go ahead and leave and I walked away from them and-" 

"Dan, hold on, take a breath, alright? I can't understand you, you're talking too fast." 

Dan makes himself listen to Phil. "My dad just... he's such a fucking cunt, Phil, you don't even know." 

"That's awful!" Phil sounds shocked. He's always shocked when Dan tells him about the shit things his father does and says. "Are you alright? Do you need me to come there?" 

"No, I just-" Dan takes another breath and makes himself stop pacing, finding a wall to lean against. "Can I come tonight? Like, get on a train right now?" 

"Of course," Phil says. 

"It might be late." 

"I'll get mum to drive me to the station to meet you," Phil says. "She won't mind. She's excited for you to be back." 

Dan closes his eyes. Maybe he should be embarrassed about this, but he's not. He's mostly just relieved. "I love you," he says. 

"I love you too." Phil's voice sounds soft. "Forever please. Remember?" 

That pulls a smile out of Dan. "Yeah." 

"Book a ticket then ring me back," Phil says. "We'll talk as long as you've got signal." 

Dan opens his eyes to hang up and realizes his mum is there, standing a few feet in front of him. 

She looks tired and her eyes are slightly red. He has no idea if she heard him talking to Phil or not, but she doesn't give him any indication that he did. She's just staring at him. "Your father's waiting. Come on." 

"What?" Dan asks. "No. I'm not going home." 

"He didn't mean it," she says. She sounds as tired as she looks. "You know how he is." 

"I know," Dan says. "But I'm not - I'm going to Manchester. I was only going home to wash my clothes and sleep before I left again tomorrow anyway. I rung him and he said I can just come tonight." 

"Phil," she says, and he has to close his ears to the tone of her voice or it'll make his nights sleepless for days and days to come wondering if maybe she did hear him after all. "He's a nice boy?" 

_He's a man_ , Dan wants to say. _And he loves me. And I love him._

What he actually says is, "Yeah, he is. He's the best friend I've ever had." 

She sighs and looks defeated, then digs into her bag for her wallet. She pulls out two crumpled twenty pound notes and says, "Here. In case you need a taxi or something to eat on the way." 

Dan takes them. "Thanks," he says. 

"When are you coming home?" 

He shrugs. "Some time next week." 

She must not have the energy to argue because she says, "You'll need to face him at some point," but doesn't wait for a response. Instead she reaches out to hug him. "But have a good time visiting your friend first." 

*

He stays for four days of being plied with delicious food, playing board games in front of a fire, whispering late into the night, walks through the streets of this town that made Phil who he is, waking up slowly to Phil’s hands and Phil’s kisses. 

He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to ever leave. They even talk about what if he didn’t - what if he just stayed? Phil’s going to start looking for his own flat soon. His mum and dad probably wouldn’t care if Dan just moved right in. 

It’s a half-baked plan that never leaves Phil’s bedroom but it’s still the safety net in the back of his mind when he picks up the phone to ring his mum on Tuesday morning. 

But she makes him feel guilty in that way that only a mum really can and the call ends with him agreeing to come home. 

*

“I’m going back to Phil’s next week,” Dan says, shoveling cereal into his mouth. 

His mate Andy is in town and they’ve got a full day planned of fucking about. Andy’s got a car so they might even drive to Southampton and surprise Josh. Sure, he’s got uni stuff to do, but what good is life without friends occasionally pulling you off your course? 

“Daniel.” His mum’s tone makes him stop, milk dribbling down his chin. 

He wipes it hastily with the sleeve of his shirt. “Yeah?”

“Your dad and I were talking recently, and we think we’d like to meet Phil.” 

“Why?” Dan asks. 

“Because you’re spending an awful lot of time with him,” she says. 

“I’m eighteen,” Dan answers. His good mood has done a rapid 180 into something prickly and defensive, something scared underneath that. “I’ll be gone to uni in a few months anyway, and then I’ll be hanging out with Phil all the time whether you approve or not.” 

“Six months,” she says. “And you’re still under our roof until then, so we’d like to meet him. You should invite him to visit here instead.” 

“Seriously?” He tries to glare but he’s afraid it’s more of a sulk instead. 

“This isn’t a punishment,” she says, gently. 

And that’s what Dan’s dad hears when he walks in the room. 

“What isn’t a punishment?” he asks, cutting his eyes toward Dan in a _what did you do_ sort of way that Dan’s all too familiar with. 

“I was just telling Dan that we’d like if Phil came here to visit next time,” she explains. She looks at Dan and says, “We just want to know your friends.” 

“Oh, yes.” His dad walks over to the fridge and opens it. “Unless you’ve got the money to pay for your own ticket.” 

He doesn’t. His parents know that. His saved up ASDA money is gone and he hasn’t gotten his prize money yet from that contest he won. (His parents don’t even know about that, and he wasn’t really planning on telling them.)

He was going to ask his mum for money for the train ticket once he told her he was going. Now that his dad is around, he knows exactly how it’ll go. 

Dan stares at the shape of his dad’s shoulders as he gets the milk then straightens back up. When he turns around, Dan’s still looking and their eyes meet. Dan wonders sometimes at how he doesn’t see any of himself in his father. The biological similarities are there, of course; Dan’s got his father’s curly hair and certainly his height. But scraping beneath the surface and he feels like he’s living with a stranger. He feels like he _is_ the stranger. 

He thinks of Nigel Lester and he doesn’t want to compare. He doesn’t think it’s fair to compare. Nigel isn’t a perfect father. He’s heard some stories, in those late night calls where Phil’s vulnerabilities come out to play. But he also can’t stop himself. 

“Fine,” he says, then gets up and walks away leaving his cereal bowl on the table. Just one more thing to get shouted at for later, but he doesn’t really care. 

*

Phil is actually excited. 

Somehow that makes Dan feel even worse. Dan doesn’t even have a chance to tell him that he’s only inviting Phil down because his parents won’t pay for Dan’s next trip, or probably any more at all unless they meet Phil first. 

The guilt only compounds when Phil says, “I thought maybe you were hiding me away or something. Your dirty little secret.” 

Phil is only teasing, so Dan laughs like it doesn’t make him want to cry. 

It’s not like he wants it to be true. 

He just can’t help but feel dirty when he thinks about things people in school always shouted at him or comments his dad makes watching television. Those things all cram inside his head and they won’t leave him alone. 

It’s not Phil that’s dirty, though. It’s not Phil that Dan’s ashamed of. 

It just feels like there’s a wall there - on one side is everything good and right and perfect and that’s how he feels about what he and Phil have. But on the other side it’s just… Dan. Dan and his fucked up family and his fucked up brain and his fucked up heart always afraid of everything, afraid of ruining things. 

Phil was afraid, too, but he came through it just fine. All his friends know now. His family knows. They still love him. 

But who couldn’t love Phil? Dan doesn’t have nearly the same confidence about himself.

“Nah,” Dan says, feigning nonchalance. He’s almost sad that Phil can’t read through it. “Wokingham’s just the most boring shithole in the world. You’re going to literally fall asleep from how boring it is.” 

“It’s got you,” Phil says sweetly. “So it won’t be boring to me. Anyway, maybe we can make it an adventure or something? You’ve got the university stuff and I was going to go with you anyway. So maybe you can come to Manchester and then we’ll both go to York and then I’ll go back home with you?”

“That’s too far away,” Dan says. He’s definitely sulking now but he doesn’t care. 

“Then I’ll come before that,” Phil says. 

“And not with me to York?” Dan knows he’s being unreasonable. He knows he’s being demanding. He knows there’s actually nothing Phil can say that would make him feel better right now, because the problem isn’t Phil. 

“Both?” Phil asks. “My brother’s coming home for a few days so I should be home for that, but I can still come to see you next week and then back again when you’ve got your uni stuff.” 

“Really?” Dan asks. “You won’t get sick of me?” 

“Dan.” Phil admonishes him. “I could never get sick of you. You’ll be the one getting sick of me biting you all the time and wanting to touch your sexy body.” 

Dan snorts. Maybe Phil can make him feel better after all. “Tell me more about how much you think my body is sexy.” 

Phil’s voice dips low into something more private, but just as familiar. The rest of the call goes by whispering soft, filthy things to each other as they touch themselves, and by the time they hang up the phone the world doesn’t seem quite so awful anymore. 

*

Phil is friendly and polite with Dan’s parents. 

He makes Dan’s mum laugh and he talks about university stuff with Dan’s dad. He hadn’t really thought about Phil’s film degree being something his dad would respect, but surprisingly it is. 

“Editing was my favourite part about the courses,” Phil says. “What I studied is actually postproduction, like visual effects.” 

They’re sitting on the sofa, a safe distance between them. 

“I went the practical route,” Dan’s father says, nodding. “You lot put me out of business.” 

He doesn’t sound cross when he says it but Dan still has to bite back the urge to defend Phil. 

Then he fails at biting it back, because that’s how his brain and his tongue often work to defeat him. “It’s just the way of the future. You can’t hold back progress.” 

“Well,” Phil says, attempting diplomacy. “I think there’s actually loads of room for both. There are some things that you just can’t recreate digitally and I’d be sad if they even tried. Can you imagine if they tried to digitize the Muppets or R2D2 from Star Wars? Plus, it’s better for the actors to have that real environment around them. But some things are just better being digital, like special effects that you can’t really create by hand.” 

Dan’s dad looks at Phil contemplatively. “I suppose. But don’t you think there’s a certain charm to the old style?” 

Dan leans back on the sofa, feeling like he can breathe a little easier. His parents will both love Phil. Maybe they’ll even like Phil so much that they won’t mind that he’s Dan’s boyfriend, when he finally works up the nerve to tell them. Yeah, his dad’s said a lot of dumb, ignorant shit over the years, but maybe once he knows Dan’s the sort of boy that likes other boys, he’ll realize how stupid all of that actually was. 

Maybe he’ll even apologize. He’ll tell Dan it doesn’t matter who he’s attracted to. 

As much as Dan tries to shove it back down, something small and hopeful begins to take root in his chest. 

*

Phil talks in his sleep. 

It doesn’t actually wake Dan up. Dan would have to really be asleep for that to be true. But it does rouse him out of a weird insomniac half-consciousness that he’s way too familiar with. 

He turns over. The bed is small and they’re practically on top of each other, but he doesn’t mind. He likes staring at Phil like this, so close their noses are almost touching. 

Phil must sense him staring because his eyes blink open. “Dan?” 

“Shh,” Dan whispers. “I’m asleep.” 

Phil smiles, just a little sleepy smile. His lips look very soft and Dan wants to kiss them. “You’re the most awake asleep person I’ve ever seen.” 

“It’s a gift,” Dan says. “A talent.” 

“You have conversations in your sleep, too?” 

“Mhm,” Dan says. 

Their bodies make it warm under the blanket they share. They’re both wearing pants, Phil says in case the house catches on fire, that way he won’t have to be starkers in front of Dan’s mum and dad. It’s the sort of silly thing Phil worries about sometimes.

Silly, and cute. Very cute. 

Phil turns his head away from Dan to yawn widely. If Dan were to kiss his cheek, Phil would probably have stubble already. He’s a manly man who has to shave more than once a week. 

So Dan does kiss it. And he does feel stubble. 

Phil turns so their mouths meet and it feels like such a secretive thing, sharing a kiss with his boyfriend in bed in the middle of the night. It’s wet and warm and Phil’s lips are just as soft as they look sliding across Dan’s. Dan opens his mouth just a bit and he feels a hot little spike run through him at the way Phil takes advantage immediately, tongue pressing into Dan’s mouth. 

They pass a few minutes like that, just making out. Finally Phil breaks away to yawn again and says, “Sorry,” in a sheepish voice. 

Dan licks his lips. He feels sexy when they’re wet from Phil’s spit and tingling a little. Making out is always fun, no matter who it’s with, but it’s extra hot when it’s with Phil. 

He could probably talk Phil into something more if he tried. They’re both easy for each other. But he actually doesn’t want to right now. He just wants this. Maybe he’s addicted to the way Phil makes him feel. 

Like he’s wanted. Like he’s loved. Like he’s _safe_. 

“Go back to sleep,” Dan whispers, tucking his head into Phil’s shoulder and draping his arm back across Phil’s chest. 

Phil’s hand comes up to cover Dan’s and then his eyes shut. It won’t be long until Phil is back in dreamland, but Dan thinks he’ll take a little more time just to try and commit this night to memory. 

*

He’s sad for the visit to end, even though it’ll only be another week before they’re meeting back up for their grand university adventure. They’re making all sorts of plans already - Manchester and then York and then a day in London. Phil’s got some friends there they might meet up with, youtube folks that Dan’s only talked to online, and then he gets to take Phil back home with him. 

That’s the thought keeping his mood lifted as he lounges around the house. Phil’s texting him about the train ride back to the north lands whenever he has a signal but when the conversation lapses Dan’s just flipping through stations on the television, trying to find something to watch. 

He’s not expecting his dad home early, but he’s in such a good place that he doesn’t even immediately get up and leave. 

“Your mate gone back home?” Dan’s dad asks, settling in the chair in the lounge. 

“Phil,” Dan says. He knows his dad knows Phil’s name. “And yeah, he did.” 

Dans leaves it on a rerun of The Simpsons that he’s already seen a dozen times. His dad will definitely complain about that. When he does, Dan will just hand him the remote control and leave. Maybe he’ll go walk down to the Costa and get a coffee drink and then ring Phil so they can talk while Phil’s on the bus back home. 

His dad just keeps staring at the television. 

It’s beginning to creep Dan out. He wants to break the silence. “Did you like him?” he asks. 

Dan’s dad looks over at him. “Nice enough fellow,” he says. “Does he have a girlfriend?” 

Dan’s mouth goes dry. “No.” 

“Mm.” His dad hums. “Your mum’s going to pick up an air mattress for the next time he comes over. Can’t imagine the two of you were all that comfortable in your bed.” 

Dan feels sick. “He slept on the floor,” he says, hating himself for it. 

Dan’s dad frowns at him. “Rude of you, making your guest sleep there.” 

“Yeah.” Dan stares at the television now too. “Guess it was.” 

“Well, you can use the air mattress next time,” he says. “We’ll set it up down here.” 

“Yeah,” Dan manages to say again, then gets up. “I’m going upstairs.” 

His father doesn’t try to stop him. 

*

“It’ll be okay,” Phil says. 

He’d known something was wrong the moment Dan picked up the phone. It’s almost scary when Phil does that. 

“No it won’t,” Dan says. He sounds as bitter as he feels. “You’re going to get sick of having a boyfriend who’s in the fucking closet and then you’ll dump me.” 

“Dan,” Phil says. He sounds hurt but he keeps on. “You know I wouldn’t do that. I was in the closet for ages and ages. There’s nothing wrong with it. And your father is an ass and he’s wrong.” 

Dan almost smiles through his tears at the defiant, almost childlike way Phil says ass. “Yeah.” 

“In a few months we’ll be together,” Phil reminds him. “And it won’t matter what dumb things your dad says or even what your family thinks.” 

“I wish it was now.” Dan talks quietly because he can hear someone walking around upstairs - probably his mum in from work. His mind starts to wander again. Was the air mattress her idea? Did they talk about how odd it was that Dan was sharing a room with Phil? That Phil didn’t sleep on the sofa? Does she think Dan’s gay? Is she sad about it, or disappointed? He’s sure his dad is. 

“Dan,” Phil says, redirecting Dan’s attention back to him. “Talk to me?”

Dan takes a deep breath. “We’re going to get a flat together.” 

“Yeah,” Phil says. “And even before that you’ll have a key to my flat. You can help me pick it out.” 

They’ve talked about it already. He’ll live in uni accommodations for the first year, but Phil will live nearby. 

“I’ll have a key,” Dan repeats. “And on nights when I’m feeling shit I’m just going to come over.” 

“Surprise Dan is the best kind of surprise,” Phil says. “You’ll be able to spend weekends with me. We can go on our own little adventures and go to the cinema all the time and we’ll go on the big wheel again and no one else can ever have our Starbucks sofa. We’ll plant a flag on it.” 

“We’ll fight people for it,” Dan says. 

“Exactly.” Phil keeps talking. He talks about having epic IKEA adventures to get furniture together and how they can have three hour breakfasts whenever they want and how next Christmas they’ll get to decorate a whole flat together. 

Dan lets himself fall into the fantasy that he hopes will be reality soon enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Ori. 
> 
> Thank you so much to Sarah for beta reading and hand holding and reading this every time I said 'hey I added a new part' even though I did it like fifty times. I don't deserve you but I'm grateful to have you anyway. <3


End file.
